Lately, life has been feeling chaotic even when it isn’t. I go through the week and feel I have done much but when asked, I have nothing worth noting to tell.  I think this is because it is more an emotional/mental chaos vs physical.  A reason for these feelings is, I have come up on my two-year DPT graduation.  This in conjunction with having some challenging patients (in the physical diagnosis sense) has led to a mini-internal crisis. “Why aren’t they responding to the care? What am I not doing or missing? Is this skilled PT care?  Am I showing skilled care with my documentation? What have I done PT-wise in these two years?”  In the medical field and any career where you are dealing with real-life people, you need to be on your A-game. This is not always realistic or possible but you are dealing with people’s well-being and each one deserves 100% which makes it challenging when you know your 100% on a given day isn’t your best.  As a perfectionist, this is especially frustrating to navigate. There is a feeling of guilt and shame.  I sometimes wonder if I am doing a good job as a PT. My friends and family say that because I’m thinking/wondering if I am doing a good job, it means I care, which ultimately means I am doing well. I am not so naïve as to know that there are people (which could include me) who wonder if they are doing well at their job but are not.

I am trying to be reasonable and give myself grace with work.  I am finding ways to take care of myself to keep from falling into a cycle of beating myself down. Instead, I am trying to keep things fresh and exciting so I can keep up with caregiving.  I will do my best and let God take care of what I cannot do.